Editor’s Note: The following true crime story arrived via a series of text messages from Megyn last Sunday morning. You’re going to want to grab your detective hat and settle in for this one. Enjoy!
This morning, Doug and I came down to a trail of carnage that shocked even us. Two large boxes of Cheerios, two full loaves of bread, a previously unopened bag of kettle potato chips, a bag of tortilla chips, and a bag of pink Himalayan popcorn – all gone.
The criminals were lying on their sides, bellies distended, unmotivated to move even as breakfast was offered, having finally reached the point previously unseen of dog satiety.
We decided to leave the crime scene as-is so as to inspect it further (and also to make the human being responsible clean it). Then, we waited like Cagney and Lacey for people to start waking up so we could conduct our FBI-like interrogations about who left the mud room gate *AND* the pantry open before going to bed as if we can live like carefree, normal people.
Suspect #1: Ken
First, came Doug’s brother Ken, in from California, who swore under penalties of perjury that he had secured the dogs in the mud room before going to bed around 1 a.m. but that our three kids and their friends were all still up at the time he went upstairs.
Ken took umbrage at his status as our prime suspect, arguing, “why wouldn’t you think ‘teenager’ as opposed to your 53-year-old brother?!” It was a good defense but also deflective, which left him on the suspect list but lower down on it.
Suspect #2: Yates
Next, came Yates, 16, with tousled hair and a look of determination running out for an 8:30 a.m. tennis match (convenient!) so unable to sit for a full interrogation but the fly-by Q&A elicited a strong denial and an affirmative statement that the dogs were definitely, 100 percent in the mud room, gate closed when he and his buddies hit the hay around 1:15 a.m.
Then he was out the door, less suspected but not entirely cleared.
Suspect #3: Leo
The third to wake was Leo, 16, Yates’s friend, who stumbled into a cross examination few house guests could anticipate but a crime is a crime and it had to be done. Seated at the kitchen island under drop pendant lights akin to what you might find in the bowels of the J. Edgar Hoover building, the questions came rapid fire:
“What time did you go to bed?” “Who was the last up?” “Where were the dogs and what was the status of the pantry?”
His answers matched Yates’s to the letter – almost as if there had been a rehearsal. But it being so early and Yates having come downstairs and being subjected to his interview before knowing about the damage undercut the possibility of pre-gaming by the teenagers prior to confrontation.
We allowed Leo to proceed with breakfast, took a puff on our fictional detective pipes, adjusted our imaginary tweed jackets and paced the downstairs awaiting the arrival of other suspects.
Sadly, no one came before Cagney and I had to leave to watch the tennis match so the investigation was temporarily put on hold. Forensics had not yet arrived at the house, so we left with the evidence of criminality strewn about, the trail of chaos still apparent for any passerby.
Suspect #4: Graham
At the match, new suspects began arriving. First up, Graham, 17, another friend who had been over the night before.
Our first question to him: “How are you feeling this morning?”
Answer: “Sad.”
SAD? Sad?? Sad about all the damage that was done to our pantry and food supply? Had we stumbled upon our perpetrator and a confession in minute one of the match?? We inquired further. Nope. Sad because he is leaving for college today and is going to miss Yates and their posse of friends.
Oh! A tender moment in an otherwise unsparing and professional police investigation! Graham was promptly given a hug and ruled out on compassionate grounds… and also because he left our home at 10 p.m. the night before.
Suspect #5: Thatcher
Thatcher, 13, was the next to arrive at the match. “What time did you go to bed, sir??” The questioning began at once, catching him slightly off guard as he wrongly believed he was just there to support his brother and not to be impeached with any prior inconsistent statements. “12:30,” he responded earnestly, almost as if unaware this was a cross examination in search of a criminal (more like an accessory to the crime of eating us out of house and home).
Thatcher’s general adorability and good nature and immediate “12:30” reply is accepted as a solid alibi in a house in which so many others outlasted him into the wee hours of awakeness.
Suspects #6 and 7: Yardley and Francey
The last to arrive? A pair of suspects very much under suspicion: Yardley and Francey, both 15, both up late, and both known for occasional late-night snacking. We began with our daughter.
“Yardley, did you see what the dogs did??”
“I’m sorry, mom, I left the Cheerios out.”
A CONFESSION! Our perp!! Right here and sweetly giving it up on the first question!!
“You left the pantry door open too!!”
“I’m sorry!!”
Another admission! Right then and there with ear and eye witnesses everywhere. At which point the interrogators broke (at least this one did – the other was engrossed in the tennis match): “It’s okay honey; we shouldn’t have to live so defensively all the time!” And a hug. This is not how they taught us to behave at dog crime detection school.
Mystery Solved… Kind of
After multiple interviews in two locations, finger and paw print dusting, and a forensic examination, our mystery had been solved:
Miss Yardley, in the living room, with the Cheerios.
Except there is an addendum to our little story. Upon further questioning later – a good detective leaves no details unearthed – Yardley, who, once again, gave up her role in the crime easily and without much probing, rounded back to say that the dogs WERE indeed in the mud room when she went to bed. And that while she DID leave one box of Cheerios out on the counter, she did NOT leave the dogs out and roaming, free to destroy.
Which leaves Cagney and Lacey in a bit of a quandary. We know that Ken put the dogs in the mud room and swears he closed and locked the gate – but DID HE ADEQUATELY SECURE THE LOCK? It’s only his first day in the house which has been re-done since his previous visits. The lock is a bit tricky and he was up late (allegedly) securing it, still on west coast time. Is it possible he thought he secured the lock but didn’t?
OR, is it possible that he did manage to secure the lock but that someone ELSE then used the first floor bathroom, which is INSIDE the locked mud room area, which would have required a RE-SECURING of the lock? This would cast new suspicion on Yates, Leo, Yardley, AND Francey, who now officially remain, along with the 53-year-old Ken, under suspicion, despite denials all around.
As of this hour, only Thatcher and Graham are exonerated.
Back at the Crime Scene
A note on our crime scene: We found, on the floor of the pantry, a single solitary ziplock bag of wheat germ. Apparently, this was a bridge too far for our canine criminals. With so many wonderful options, why waste time with health food??
Moreover, upon closer inspection, we discovered something that shocked us to our crime solving core. One of the huge boxes of Cheerios was – and stay with me here – ONLY HALF-EATEN!
To this moment, it remains a mystery whether this was done intentionally due to distended dog stomachs or was perhaps a Thunder project that Strudwick assumed had been thoroughly picked over when they fell off to sleep, the many bread loaves and processed foods consumed dancing in their heads (and intestines).
In any event, the Cheerios remained, adding further intrigue to our crime scene which remains, faithful readers, under investigation.
A New Mystery Emerges
Apparently not content to leave today’s damage at the pantry raid, Strudwick did a dumpster dive in the very same first floor bathroom that was so at issue in our mystery.
The new mystery is who threw away a half eaten breakfast sandwich there and why??? Oh why???
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