Talk to anyone who is trying to date these days and you will likely hear the same complaints from men and women alike about how hard it is to meet someone with sincere intentions in this increasingly polarized and digital-first world.
But the ramifications are bigger than just a few bad dates or ghosting stories. Despite our hyper-sexualized culture, people are having less sex and reporting less intimacy and connection than ever before. At the same time, fewer young people are getting married, starting families, or forming long-term relationships.
This is the topic neuroscientist Debra Soh, Ph.D., tackles in her new book Sextinction. On Wednesday’s show, she joined Megyn to talk about what’s behind the so-called “sex recession” happening in society today and, more importantly, how to solve it with practical advice for dating and building lasting romantic relationships. Here are her top five tips:
#1 Stay Off Social Media
We probably don’t need to tell you that social media is a cesspool, but Dr. Soh explained just how pernicious the algorithms have gotten when it comes to fueling “animosity between the sexes.”
“What I hear from young men is they really blame feminism for this… They feel that women are unfairly privileged. Now, I think feminism, at its most basic fundamental reason, was a positive thing in terms of getting equal rights for women, allowing us to vote and to pursue education,” she explained. “But I do believe feminism has gone too far in its modern iteration in that it, in some cases, advocates for hating men and for subjugating men. So young men are understandably aggrieved by this, and [at the extreme] they’re saying, ‘We just want to take all rights away from women now… Look what feminism does… We want nothing to do with ‘modern day women’ because they’re impossible to deal with.'”
Women, on the other hand, are understandably concerned about such viewpoints. “The other side of that is young women see the response to the extreme feminism, which is young men now saying, ‘We want women who are traditional, who are just going to obey our orders, essentially. Stay at home, not work, have a large family, not talk back to us,'” Dr. Soh continued. “And these young women are terrified and saying, ‘Well, this generation of men wants to hold us back and take our rights away.'”
In Dr. Soh’s view, not all young men who hold these views are “actually, at the core, hateful of women,” but social media has led them to view women a certain way. That is why her advice is simple: “Get off of these platforms.”
“This content is basically impossible to get away from on social media, especially if you are young or the algorithm picks up that you find it interesting. They’re going to bombard you with toxic clips of people complaining about their relationships and marriages or people acting egregiously on dates. In some cases, it’s couples pretending that they’re fighting,” she said. “It’s just for rage bait, but you see millions of views on these clips… And I just think of the young people who are being exposed to this and don’t realize that they are basically being manipulated into thinking this is really common behavior is really common. It is intentionally trying to infuriate them and make them hate the opposite sex so that they’ll keep clicking on other things.”
#2 Respect the Opposite Sex
As Dr. Soh explained in tip #1, tensions between men and women are on the rise. As social media and content creators continue to manipulate people’s understanding of one another, she said society as a whole needs to remember how to respect one another and help young men, in particular “get back on track.”
“I don’t think it needs to be seen as taking away from women’s rights. I do understand why some young women may feel that it is a threat to them because they’ve been indoctrinated by the education system and, I think, our culture as well. ‘Man-hating’ is really much seen as status quo nowadays,” she shared. “But if we, as women, don’t appreciate being discriminated against, as we were in the past, I don’t think it’s fair for us to turn around and now say it’s okay because it benefits us to do the same to men.”
#3 Mind Your Health
Dr. Soh said the “Make America Healthy Again” (MAHA) movement has done important work in making the general public more aware of their health and wellness. But as it relates to sexual health, she said there are a lot of potentially damaging factors at play that most people don’t realize.
“I talk in Sextinction about the how the birth control pill, antidepressants, and also low testosterone are affecting this whole situation,” she shared. “The birth control pill halts women’s ovulation, so that is going to affect their sex drive, it affects their interest in sex, and the sexual signaling that they may or may not be putting out towards men in their vicinity.”
Many men, meanwhile, are dealing with low testosterone, which, Dr. Soh said, could be due to plastics, pesticides, and/or synthetic estrogens in the environment. “If men have low testosterone, they are not going to feel good about themselves, they’re not going to be interested in taking risks, and they’re going to have low sex drive but also low motivation outside of the bedroom to achieve goals,” she explained. “And those are the things women look for in men. They find that sexy.”
Because physical and mental health are so closely linked, Dr. Soh said you have to take care of yourself. “Eat unprocessed foods. There are studies showing that eliminating ultra-processed foods from your diet can actually improve your mental health, especially depression,” she noted. “If you are experiencing low testosterone, [look into] why that might be.”
#4 Learn How to Flirt
While there are plenty of stories of couples who have successfully found their future spouse on dating apps, Dr. Soh believes less is more when it comes to screen time. “I would say, in general, meet in real life. Don’t be on apps. Don’t be on social media,” she encouraged.
That means men and women alike are going to have to learn the long lost art of flirting. “Women, if you are single and looking to date, you have to make it so obvious to men that you are into them,” she explained. “I went through the scientific research in terms of how to flirt because I’m a very naturally awkward person… [and] one thing you can do is smile very, very widely if you see an attractive man. Make lots of eye contact.”
And it’s not just academic research. “I asked my audience: What can women do? They say you have to make it so obvious,” she added. “Just keep looking at him [with] a smile that compels a man to come over and speak to you. Hopefully, he will be single.”
Once you are face to face, Dr. Soh agreed with Megyn that a little flirtatious body contact goes a long way. “If you touch a man’s arm… you’ll notice his body language will change,” she noted. “A man will relax if he is into you, so that is one thing we can look for.”
#5 Have a Sense of Humor
After listening to Dr. Soh’s advice, Megyn had one piece of wisdom of her own – and this one is for the fellas. “For guys, I would say one other thing: Humor is amazing. If you can make her laugh, you can make her yours,” she shared. “So, if you are naturally clever, even if you’re not the most handsome guy, you have a great shot because I do think women love somebody who can make them laugh. I think we all see that as a long term source of happiness for us that is well beyond brawn or your bank account.”
You can check out Megyn’s full interview with Dr. Soh by tuning in to episode 1,316 on YouTube, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you like to listen. And don’t forget that you can catch The Megyn Kelly Show live on SiriusXM’s The Megyn Kelly Channel (channel 111) weekdays from 12pm to 2pm ET.