‘Foreplay for Nerd Reporters’: Megyn Offers a Dramatic Reading of the Most Hot and Heavy Trump Trial Coverage

Viewer advisory: What you are about to read is specifically designed to be consumed by adults and, therefore, may be unsuitable for children under 17. Parental discretion is advised – not because of anything we will say or do, but because of the perverted press corps. 

I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but all the coverage of the Trump hush money trial has morphed into something closer to a hot and heavy romance novel (hence our updated set background).

Yes, what we thought was going to be a criminal trial with some salacious testimony from porn stars and Playboy models has indeed kicked off with something X-rated. But it’s the reporting about Donald Trump sitting bored in the courtroom. I’m not kidding. The tedium of jury selection – an infamously boring process – has turned into foreplay for the nerd reporters whose beat is normally covering Elizabeth Warren and Mitch McConnell. And let me tell you, they are leaning in! 

Since we could not let this intrepid reporting go unnoticed, I am here to bring you the first installment of what we’re calling Fifty Shades of Orange: Trumping Hard.

The Washington Post

First up, we’ll read from the literary works of The Washington Post’s Isaac Arnsdorf, a Yale grad whose colorful updates on the former president might make even Larry Flint blush. 

“Trump appeared to close his eyes and tilt his head from side to side. He then removed a paper from his breast pocket and started examining it.” 

His eyes, closed, you say? Head tilting back, writhing from side to side? Did you mention a breast? Go on! 

“Trump at one point looked at something on his lawyer’s phone… Later, Trump’s eyes closed again and his head occasionally dipped slowly.” 

Yes, Isaac, yes!


Now this, from Politico’s Erica Orden:

“While Trump entered the courtroom, he winked at one of the court officers and mouthed…” 

What?? He mouthed something?! Mouthed what?

“How are you?”


The New York Times

The New York Times tells us Trump “shifted around in his seat” and “whispered to his lawyer.” “A moment ago,” the Times reported, he “looked bored.” “But now, he’s engaged.” 

Oh yeah – he’s into it. Don’t stop!


Frank Runyeon of Law360 really paints a picture. “Trump is sitting at the defense table … as his attorneys … whisper in his ear.” One attorney, Frank tells us, twice referred to when Trump “lost his election.” Lost his what?

He goes on…

“Now, Trump’s head slowly dropped, his eyes closed. It jerked back upward. He adjusts himself.”


“Then, his head droops again. He straightens up, leaning back. His head droops for a third time, he shakes his shoulders. Eyes closed still. His head drops.” 

OMG. What in the actual eff is this drivel – the Trump trial or Cinemax’s latest Trump Does Downtown?

‘Trump and Grind’

All of this reinforces a media lesson we’ve learned over and over again. There is no porn for the media quite like Trump porn.

They can take a head nod, a glance at a phone, or even a cat nap in the middle of a mind-numbing jury selection and turn it into “Trump and Grind,” hide the children! And this is before we’ve gotten to Stormy Daniels, or the Playboy Playmate, or the ex-con. 

Just wait until we get to the case on the Trump INSURRECTION!

You can check out Megyn’s full analysis by tuning in to episode 768 on YouTube, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you like to listen. And don’t forget that you can catch The Megyn Kelly Show live on SiriusXM’s Triumph (channel 111) weekdays from 12pm to 2pm ET.